14 Ways To Know You Are A Stoner

Alright lovelies… pack your bowl, let’s shed some light on this subject. (pun intended)

1. You smoke alone.

Of course you have heard this one before. As a good friend of mine once said, “Smoking is really depressing. That’s why we smoke with friends, so at least we’re depressed together.” Smoking is kind of depressing. Blowing smoke out the window of your dorm room will make you feel like a grade-A druggie. It’s okay. It will get better. You will be stoned soon.

2. You know the lingo.

It’s like Starbucks for stoners. But instead of a “Triple Grande Skinny Iced Carmel Macchiato with Soy Milk.” it’s more like “Yo man, I’ll have a G of that BubbleGum Kush.” (If you don’t know what a G is, GTFO. kidding. not really.) See, dealers are mostly guys who like to think that they’re super ghetto. It doesn’t matter if his parents collect French art, his family has a house in Aspen or if his brother went to Yale, if he sells drugs he’s gonna think he’s fucking Tupac Shakur. So, learn the dialect. It’s not that hard. Go on urbandictionary.com and educate yourself.

3. You know how to smoke.

Maybe you were fortunate to have a stoner buddy there for you who told you exactly what to do, but chances are when you smoked weed for the first time you had no idea what the what fuck you were doing. The best way to smoke is inhale for about 4 or 5 seconds (or as long as you can without passing out) and blow out. If you can, try to ghost inhale, where you exhale the smoke for a moment and inhale again. Do not smoke it like you would a cigarette, by inhaling and blowing out immediately. This is usually what happens when kids say they don’t get high the first time they smoke. The smoke needs to sit in your lungs so the THC can get into your bloodstream.

4.  You don’t cough – ever.

Don’t a be pussy.

5. You smoke everyday.

It really doesn’t matter what day of the week. This is one of the factors that distinguishes stoners from your average College Joe.  For College Joe, smoking is reserved for the weekends, along with other recreational activities: drinking, dancing*, hooking up. Drinking makes sense to reserve of the weekends. It’s exhausting and sometimes after too much shotgunning you end up throwing up into an empty PBR box at the end of the night. Or you’ll spend the next morning hugging a toilet with only your friend’s cat as your sole companion. Maybe you’ll end up tied in sheets on a floor emptier than your heart. But weed will never to that to you. It’s kind to your liver… and your heart. It won’t get you sick and you don’t usually end up hooking up with randoms. And if you do, they’re usually cuter. Weed goggles are to Steve Jobs as beer goggles are to Bill Gates. Who would you rather fuck? Weed helps you unwind at the end of a good day. Weed is good for everyday of week. You’ve got Superblunt Sundays, Mary-Jane Mondays, Toasted Tuesdays, Wine and Weed Wednesdays**, Twisted Thursdays, Fried Fridays, and your good ole classic Stoned Saturdays. As long as you get work done and wake up in time for that 9am class, it shouldn’t even interfere with school, lol.

* dry humping on the dancefloor 

**wine optional

6.  You hate waiting for weed.

In college,  it’s usually a quick trip in your penguin pajamas down the elevator to get your weed. But back home, you could be waiting up to three days for your weed, because people think that smoking weed is only for the weekends, as described above, hah. Mortals. Now, if you’re not a stoner, this shouldn’t bother you, but this will annoy the shit out of you if you are a stoner. If you had your way,  you would crawl three and half miles to your friends house to the freeway to pick up the green. You really don’t care. Is this an indicator of desperate and addictive tendencies? Probably. Do you care? No, no shame. You can’t find dignity at the bottom of a bong.

7. You basically mix it with everything.

If you are a stoner, you are going to feel inclined to have weed on you for every occasion. Going to a rave this weekend and candy flipping. Better bring that green. What about Electric Forest festival? What’s weed untop of three, (possibly four?), other hallucinogens? Oh you’re doing Shrooms this friday? Gotta have that brownie handy. Drinking this weekend? You can’t leave the room unless your sexy underwear is on and you’ve taken at least one grav. Studying for finals? Everyone knows that weed and aderall is the perfect combination. As you have seen on many motivational posters in classrooms and corporate work spaces: Creativity + Work Ethic = Success. And the best thing to mix with weed you ask… some more bud.

8. You own your own piece.

No more apple bongs, carved balsa wood bongs from shop class,  or shitty joints out of Bible paper for you. Now you have your hands around an actual real glass piece. Maybe you have one in the shape of an elephant,  a dragon, or your recently deceased cat. Your first piece is usually a bowl or a bubbler. But if you’re lucky enough to own a bong as your first piece, I envy you. Piece brings power. You have freedom to smoke alone without having to share a dime of precious green. Make sure to Christen your new piece properly. Hold a little ceremony. Baptize it in cold water – preferably in a river and leave it out to soak up the sun. Wave your hands above it and sing a Gregorian chant to exorcise any evil spirits, pack it to the brim, sprinkle a some keef on top and blaze up.

9. You drool over weed porn.

What is weed porn? Well, Bio majors, weed is a predominantly dioecious plant, so technically  Mr. and Mrs. Cannabis get down in that vascular plant way, the Mr. releases his load of pollen from his ample anther which flood into the Mrs.’ engorged pistol in the quest to feritilze her ovule. As much Natural Geographic specials on plant reproduction turn me on…. I’m talking about those photos. You know the photos. The ones on tumblr of the Holy Nugget with fluorescent orange and purple swirls with THC crystals so sticky it could pass as a dank Sour Patch Kid. Weed porn does not always have to be pictures of actual weed.  It could be a picture of a girl in nothing but lacy underwear and a black and white tank that says “Blaze It 420” holding up a fat spoon of Cannabutter that twirls magically back into a bowl. Sometimes, weed porn can be olfactory, one whiff of the sweet leaf can send intense spasms all the way down your body. . (You might even jizz your pants, but only if it’s that good California shit. )

10. You smoke weed before doing anything.

Going downtown? Better blaze up. Going to the A&P? Rip it. Going to pick up your contacts? Take a toke. Going out to a nice dinner with your grandparents? Time to get hazy. I mean, getting high makes everything better! Sleep, sex, music, class, yoga, food, laundry, running into your old high school teacher at Target, asking said teacher how he and his new wife are doing, finding out that the she left him six months ago, offering him condolences with an awkward touch on the shoulder, retracting your arm after he nods uncomfortably, mumbling something about how your uncle met someone great on match.com, and cringing as you speed-walk away to home goods section as quickly as your smoker lungs will allow.

11. Lighters, Everywhere.

Lighters will be spilling out of your ears. All of your jacket pockets, will have at least one lighter in it, if you’re lucky maybe half of them will have some lighter fluid left! Your lighter’s will spill out at the most convenient times: as you  babysit young children,  when your parents ask for their keys back, or in front of the nurse taking your drug test. Most of the lighters won’t be yours, but friend’s lighters that they lent to you that you “forgot” to give back. It’s nice to have an ample supply of lighters, but if you do this too often, expect lighter karma. Yes, lighters will jump out of your pocket the moment you decide to take a deep walk into the woods. Be careful you return the favor.

BONUS POINTS: If you know the curse of the white lighter, you are a most definitely a stoner. Rumor has it,  that Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Kurt Cobain all died at age 27, were left-handed, and all died with a white BIC lighter in their pocket. Some smokers believe that if they use a white lighter, bad things can happen.  Like this one time, my friend had a friend whose best friend’s cousin never used a white lighter and the first time they did broke their brand new bong. (e-ghad!) If you believe this myth, you are most definitely a NARP. Honestly, Jim Morrison was the only one to die with a white lighter in their pocket and it was a Zippo. The BIC Lighter didn’t come out until 1973, so the only of one these stars who could have died with a BIC white lighter in their pocket is Kurt Cobain. This is why I purposely peel the casing of my BIC lighters to make them white. I don’t do NARPS.

12.  You like to go out in nature.

Not all stoners are nature freaks before they started smoking. Some maybe went for walks in the woods with their parents as kids, took their dog out to the river to throw some balls, but never were wilderness masters. Weed brings you outside. Mostly because it’s illegal most places and it’s potent enough to piss of your neighbors if you’re not careful. Weed will have you walking into the deep corners of the forest to avoid any hikers, Park Rangers, or ex-highschool teachers that you might encounter. You’ll find yourself… quite literally… immersed in nature. If weed did no other good in the world but get people out in nature, that would be enough. Though not as intense as  mushrooms in promoting nature loving, weed can be a wonderful teaching tool if you let it in.  Warning: you may find yourself staring at the branches of the trees, walking barefoot in the mud, cleansing stones in the river, hugging trees, staring at the sky, petting moss, talking to animals, meditating on rocks, and contemplating the big questions in the universe.

13. You’ve been high in front of your parents.

If you’ve been high in front of your parents, depending on their religious values and political party, it can be almost as terrifying as staring a cop in the face with a bong in your hand. In the words of Douglas Adams, Don’t Panic. You have much to learn young padawan. Make sure you are prepare: eye drops, shower, breath mints, perfume/man-perfume, and an essence of sober. If you don’t have time to do all this, just pray that your parents don’t remember what the 70’s smelled like. If you find yourself as a loss of words, you probably just shouldn’t say anything. If you start telling the story of how your stone ran away from you today in the woods because the universe called her to find a new companion, your parents very well might think you’re stoned.

14. You don’t feel inclined to participate in stoner culture.

You know you are a stoner when you are your own unique stoner. You don’t need to see every episode of Breaking Bad, own a pair of Adventure Time pajamas, have a secret-not-so-secret crush on Seth Rogen, think Dazed and Confused is funny, or encounter a coked up Neil Patrick Harris on zany trips to White Castle at 2am. Yes, you can be your own stoner. You can create your own culture. You don’t need movies, tumblr, or cartoons. You take the best of what you like and create your own style. A stoner is really just someone who smokes a lot. Everything else is really up to you.


2 thoughts on “14 Ways To Know You Are A Stoner”

  1. Can I edit this? Are you allowed to delete this comment later? The title should be 14 ways you know your a stoner….or something. Also, candy flipping is MDMA and LSD, hippy flipping is MDMA and mushrooms, festie flipping is either of the above plus ketamine and not encouraged. Weed is optional in all three combinations. Annnnnnd I really, really don’t get the Bill Gates/Steve Jobs analogy. xoxoxo

    1. Yes, that’s what it was a originally called actually.
      Hmm I’ve always been told that that’s what Candy Flipping and Hippie Flipping is, but if that’s the general consensus than I change it, hah.
      Nah, I prefer to stay away from tranquilizers, thank you very much.
      Well, Bill Gates has (or had) these HUGE thick lenses and Steve Jobs has much thinner glasses…
      So thick Bill Gates goggles would be significantly more disorienting than thin Steve Jobs goggles…
      More people tend to Steve Jobs more attractive than Bill Gates, even though Steve Jobs has passed on.
      But I might end up changing that analogy all together if it’s unclear.
      Also, how did you find this? I’ve been trying to get more people to read my stuff.

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