Okay all you 90’s kids, I know you have the capability of enjoying time with being hooked up to your computer montitor, iPhone, iPad, iDroid… right?
Here is a list of things you can do instead of going on the internet, whilst you read this on the internet.
1. Search through all your old CDs and play something on your stereo
If all the music you listen to is either on Spotify, Pandora, or YouTube, because you are too damn lazy to download it off the internet like me, this is a good way to find good music to listen to without using up all your 3G. I promise if you search hard enough through all your old CDs you may find your mother’s salvageable Beatles CD or some old Phish live in Camden CD from 2004 that may surprise you.
2. Find all the drugs.
If you are poor like me, you can’t afford drugs. Raid your brother’s cabinet for his ADD medicine. Look at the recommended dosage on the prescription and take twice that amount. For the illusion that you are having more fun that you are, take the drugs out of the pill, line it up with a debit card, and snort it out of a dollar bill while having your brother take a snap chat of you and send it to all your fellow druggie friends. Don’t have a dollar bill? Just lick it up. It will have the same effect.
3. Get naked.
Not only does being naked have health benefits, such as improving blood flow, increasing brain function, giving your skin a healthy glow, and reducing the risk of infection, but the freedom also feels pretty fucking good. Taking off your clothes improves blood flow and detoxifies your system, which in turn relaxes you. It can be therapeutic, almost as much as a nice massage, but that’s for later in this post. 😉 Just make sure you lock your door, unless you like your brother barging in and gazing a gawk at your goodies.
4. Find someone to fuck.
Preferably, make it someone hot, like your boyfriend, your ex-boyfriend, your brother’s fifteen year old friend who got hot over summer break, your eleventh grade english teacher who quit his job to write shitty poetry and lives with his parents, that guy you had a crush on in seventh grade who never grew past five feet tall but is a total stoner now and will totally give you weed if you fuck him, that pizza guy who doesn’t speak any english but you can tell from his unwavering eye contact of his hot-blooded passionate lust for you, your family mail man, your twenty-seven year old neighbor, your old bus driver, or any non-family male member in your phone contacts, unless you’re into that whole incest thing (we all have hot cousins guys). If all the above fails, find people to fuck the pre-craigslist way, drive around town and yell “WHO WANTS TO FUCK ME?!” as loud as you can with the windows down until you find a willing participant. Just make sure to avoid elementary schools, playgrounds, and other places that might get you arrested. If a cop does pull you over however, make sure you take full advantage of that opportunity.
5. Get drunk.
Anything is more fun when your drunk. Every college student knows what this feels like. It is Friday night — alright Thursday night — you have nothing to do. Your college is in the middle of nowheresville and you want alcohol fast. If you are underage, call anyone twenty-one or older, or anyone with hook ups and you should find something pretty fast. You can also just take the simpler route by wearing a revealing top and a push up bra, go to frat parties and get handed free beers by young men who will drunkenly gaze at your glorious tatas. If you are home for break and your friends don’t have hook ups, don’t fret! Just raid your parent’s pantries for alcohol, they totally won’t notice. Just make sure enough dust has collected on that 2011 bottle of Sangria from Christmas Eve last year, before you take it. If you do take something your parents might drink later, fill the rest up with water/grape juice when you’re done boozing it up (they totally won’t notice!) Know your limits before you drive, you should be somewhere between buzzed and tipsy, passed that, call a friend for a ride or roll around town on that bad ass bike – bicycle, that is.
6. Play with your cats. (and other household animals)
Cats are simple creatures, who honestly just want to cuddle up on your face and plot your eventual demise. Take a laser pointer and be entertained for hours and watch your cat tirelessly chases a tiny red dot. Cats are actually trained assassins, so they are trained to annihilate anything with a red target on it. If you don’t have cats, go outside and throw a ball with your dog. Pretend to throw the ball, but don’t actually throw it. Laugh as he falls for your imaginary ball trick again and again. Stupid dog. If you don’t have dogs or cats, play with your hamster, chinchilla, floppy eared rabbit, cockatoo, red panda, or fish. Fish love it when you tap on the glass or move your fingers up towards the top of the tank. Make a fishy face and try to communicate with the creature. If you’re really bored, take some of your stolen alcohol and pour into the tank to get them drunk. Fish like to party too!
**Don’t have a pet? No worries! Wrangle a squirrel from outside! They really like acorns, so throw them at your trees to let them your that you are their friend. If this doesn’t work, you can easily find a dead one on the side of road. Wrap it around your shoulders as a fashion accessory, cradle it like a baby, or place it on your neighbor’s doorstep as a friendly offering.**
7. Call a friend.
Yes, this can be fun. Friends are basically chocolate ice cream for the soul. They make you happy, are great listeners, and are awesome to make out with when you’re drunk! Texting people technically does not involve internet either, but come on calling people is so fun! You get to brag about how much of a 90s kid you are and can even pretend like you actually remember the 90s! It’s best to do this walking around the neighborhood, so that all the passing dog walkers can hear you reveal all the intimate details of your sex life to your best gal pal.
8. Play your old computer games.
Remember the hours of your childhood you spent playing in the fresh outdoors? Me neither! Bust out all of those good oldies you forgot about; Spy Fox, Pajama Sam, Putt-Putt, Jumpstart and all that good shit. If you don’t still own a Gateway computer from 1995 that’s compatible with all these games, find some more recent classics. Continue that Sims 2 game you started in 2008 and play out your teen fantasies. Start a family with that hottie from your freshman lit class! Install a bowling alley in your living room and a hot tub in your den! Murder innocent victims by removing ladders from pools and watch those fuckers drown. You can be whoever you want to be! Lose track of time as you have all the racy teen rated sex with vampires, ghosts, werewolves, and aliens you like, free of undesired consequences and HPV! Fuck yes!
9. Take out all your old DVDs and VHSs.
Yes, those silver disks and black boxes deemed obsolete from Netflix, pirating websites, and torrents. Pop Sixteen Candles in your family’s VCR/DVD player from 2003 and finger yourself to Jake Ryan lusting over a young girl with a chest even flatter than yours. Or travel Back to 1980s and cringe as Michael J. Fox’s mother tries to get in her son’s pants in a high school parking lot behind a school function. If you feeling extra daring, bring out that boxed set of Titanic, and get your Kate and Leo fix. You night will probably end in tears. Don’t make me say I told you so.
10. Read a book.
Yes, actually reading. Not the skimming-and-giving-up-and-looking-up-the-chapter-summaries-on-spark-notes reading you did for the shitty books in high school. It can be anything. Pick an author and read all their books. Judy Blume, Sarah Dessen, and Jodi Picoult are good places to start. Avoid anything Stephanie Meyer or E.L. James, please, for everyone. Actually if you see any books of with these’s writer’s names on them, burn them, please, for all of us. You will be doing a public service. Read all those Clique books that are sitting on your shelf that you borrowed from your friends in seventh grade and never gave back! Browse the erotic section at Barnes and Noble and buy a novel with a subtle and discreet title, like Sliding For Home, When Beauty Tamed the Beast, or How to Flirt with a Naked Werewolf. If you want save the trip to B&N, you can probably aid your mother’s drawer for these titles as well. If you want to know what the fuck tumblr is talking about all the time, look through all the read something like Harry Potter, John Green, or Hunger Games. Find out things such as why MockingJay has the worst ending you will ever read in any book series ever. (No seriously I still don’t know why, can someone please tell me?!)
11. Take a Bath.
Take a bath, because showers are too mainstream. To make a bath super relaxing and sensual, light a bunch of little candles and place them around the bathtub and litter the floor with rose petals. Oh you don’t have a bunch of little candles and rose petals? (Is something wrong with you?!) Instead, burn only a few medium sized candles, preferably scented something nice, like lavender, vanilla, or blissful blossom on a lily pad after a late afternoon rain shower on spring day in the french countryside smell. Your nose will thank you. Put some some bubbles in your bubble bath, but be classy. You are a lady now. No more Mr. Bubbles for you. Buy something at a natural foods place that doesn’t test on animals and is organic. If you don’t have bubble bath soap, put some scented bath salts in your bath instead. Please do not sniff them however, your family will thank you when you refrain from eating their faces off. Always scrub with a loofa, not only will it remove dead skin cells from your body and leaving your skin glowing, but it will also feel like equivalent to having someone brush your arm at a concert on 3 grams of molly, yes that fucking orgasmic.
**This is the only time it is appropriate to read an E.L. James book. Imagining some steamy BDSM sex with Christian Grey will make that water that much hotter. Just be careful not to drop your precious paperback masterpiece in the water! We wouldn’t want that would we? Well, actually… **
12. Get stoned.
Of course, I’m talking for all you folks in Colorado and Washington, and those with licenses for it in the 20 states which it can be legalized for medical purposes. All you need is some lighter, a device to smoke with, and some bud. The first two things are easy to acquire, but the ladder is more tricky. For those who wish to find it through means other than a dispensary, which I do not advise, look around for the dude wearing the drug rug and most unkept hair. He will most likely be sexy as hell, but DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. Restrain yourself! It will only cause you trouble later down the road when he finds someone hotter than you and stops responding your text messages and you are left alone, out of options, and out of weed. Once you pay the dude and/or dudette, go light up. For all you oldies out there, roll a J, just like your parents. Chill out and listen to some Grateful Dead you goddam hippie stoners. For all those lazy stoners out there, pack a bowl or a bong. A bong rips better than a bowl, remember that the longer the tube is, the closer the smoke will take you to heaven.
Listen to some trippy music, watch good movie, go for a walk in nature, do some high yoga, or get fucked. Enjoy.
13. Hoop Your Heart Out.
This trend is totally catching on among those hippie chicks out there. All you need is a exercise hoop, that you can purchase at any Target or Walmart. If you a broke college student, buy a shitty children’s hoop and fill it with water. Cover the whole hoop with duct tape. Try make people believe you actually spend money on this thing, by disguising it in patterned duct tape or pretty fabric. Though you can look up how to do cool moves online, this article is called “Fun Things To Do Without The Internet”, so just find a friend that hoops to teach you. A great place to learn is a music festival, especially the more hippie ones, like Electric Forest. The more psychedelics present at the concert, the better. Some great hooping music is Spongle or Bonobo, but you can literally hoop to anything. Be careful that your hoop is not too big or too heavy or it will beat you harder than a steel dildo rainstorm.
14. Bake Anything.
Have you ever wanted to bake a mean creme brûlée or a airy puff pastry?Yeah, me neither. I don’t really give a shit about baking, but some people really do. Search around the house for recipe books and try to find something that interests you. Preferably a book that is easy to follow, like anything with title that ends in “For Kids” or is published by American Girl. Don’t try to bake a soufle on the first day. Try something that you definitely can’t fuck up, like snickerdoodles. From there, graduate to funfetti cupcakes and Pillsbury chocolate cossaints. The best part of baking is decorating. When you ice a cupcake, make sure you give it your a diabetic friend to test. If she can eat it without ending up in the hospital, you know you need to slab more icing on that fucker. Play it safe and use the cookie cutters or live the fast life and freehand it. Sculpt your masterpieces with care and detail. Kill two birds in one stone and study for your anatomy exam as you bake! Your mom will appreciate your sugar cookie shaped like a vuvla. Make sure you put a shit ton of edible glitter on them! Sprinkles are overrated. If it doesn’t look like Ke$ha puked on your cupcakes, you’re doing it wrong.
15. Decorate Your Room.
This is usually done 2am on a school night, a few hours before your term long paper is due that you haven’t started. If you still have any posters that you ripped out of a Tiger Beat, M, Popstar, or J-14 magazine posted on you walls, take them down immediately. No guest will be impressed by your life-size poster of Zac Efron or how you set it so you can’t look anywhere in your room without at least of one the members of One Direction staring directly into your soul. No guy is going want to go to bed with you if Justin Bieber is relentlessly watching you guys going at it -without blinking. Some great places to get inspiration for rooms are Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel, Restoration Hardware, and Antropologie. The best place to find things is at Target. They have everything you need, from patterned silk curtains to oversized oak finished crafting letters. Be sure to buy a Dream Catcher. Why? Don’t ask, just get one. Pick a theme. Do you want Hippie? Travel? Girly? Sporty? 70s Bachelors Pad? You pick. Your options are endless. Dry clean those vintage shag rugs before you use them though. You don’t know where those stains came from.
16. Be Creative.
Write that Sherlock/Hobbit/DoctorWho fan fiction you’ve always wanted to write, play Titanic and sketch a naked picture of your busty friend, draw a comic strip amount schizophrenic child with a imaginary tiger, or type a pointless post on tumblr about 20 things to do without the internet, whilst on the internet. You can really do whatever the hell you want, no one can call you crazy, because it’s “art.” I mean, if Andy Warhol can paint soup cans and have it be worth $9,000,000, your picture you drew of Iron Man tonguing Black Widow on Microsoft Paint must be priceless.
Dancing is about letting go, living in the now, and expressing yourself. Play the music as loud as it needs to be to drown out the noise of any parent, RA, neighbor, or police officer knocking on your door. If you don’t have speakers, take your best headphones, and turn the music up to “defining roar.” The decibel range should be somewhere between power drill and jet airplane take off. If you ears are ringing once you are done listening to the music, you know you are doing it right. Dancing can be simple as lying on the floor and swaying your arms back and forth like sea anemone or complicated as a tripled handed back hand spring pirouette. Pump your arms, do the Charleston, drop that birthday cake, and get all up on that wall. Any expression of the body to music, no matter how subtle, is dance. Moving your head back and forth is dancing – so is dry humping on the floor of your middle school formal. Relax and Let the music take you.
18. Go Stalk People in Real Life.
Who needs Facebook when you have an Phonebook? Take a look in the Yellow Pages or your High School Directory. Instead of stalking photos of the lustful object of your romantic desires, break into your man’s home and watch him in real life! You can do this the old fashioned way, by climbing in a tree and watching him through binoculars as he slowly unveils his packaged goodies. (You can always say that you are bird watching) Or you can get innovative and sneak into his house and install hidden cameras in every corner! If you are feeling extra bold, stay in his house and never leave. Hide in his closet, crawl underneath his bed, lie underneath his couch cushions. This will give you time to read his diary, peruse through his baby pictures, and smell his clothes. If he suspects anything, pretend that you are a piece of furniture. Nothing to see there, you are just a futon. Remember, the more time you guys spend together, the sooner he will fall madly in love with you, even if he does not know you are there, you always are. Always.
19. Groom Yourself.
Ah, the old poverb. If no one posted it online, did anyone really see it? Oh young grasshopper. You have much to learn. Shockingly enough, people actually notice that family of robins nested in your hair and that haven’t shaved in the past three weeks. The process of primping may not seem fun – at first. But, as they say, beauty is pain, and as soon as the endorphins start kicking in, pain starts to feel good. Huzzah! This may be partly why so many of us women are beauty junkies. We’re hooked on that John Frieda shampoo, get high off those hair dye fumes, and have fifteen shades of lip gloss (come on ladies, how many shades of red are there?). Dudes don’t need too much, maybe some nice clothes, a little Old Spice, an electric razor, and a comb for their hair. But no need, since they are already naturally beautiful. For us hideous ladies, we can spend quite literally an eternity getting ready. We all know that a woman’s beauty determines her value, and since the media depicts beauty as perfection, there is always room for improvement. Your eyebrows can be plucked, your hair can be straighted, your eyelashes can be curled, your nails can be done, and your legs can always be shaved. All of these grooming routines put together take incalculable amounts of time. Einstein once calculated it and it turned out to be the largest number in the world, so large in fact, he figured it would just be easier to round to infinity. That bitch Time works against us ladies. Our eyebrows marry into unibrows, our hair frizzes up every morning, our eyelashes flatten, our nail polish chips, and our legs grow resemble George of the Jungle’s in a matter of hours. Yet every day, Robert Downey Jr and George Clooney more closely resemble the looks of Greek Gods. No way we can ever reach perfection, though we can try. We could just decide that this is all stupid and just accept ourselves the way that we are, but society won’t let us do that, so keeping waxing your upper lip, ladies.